|THE MATERIAL ON THIS PAGE IS INTENDED FOR MATURE ADULTS
18 YEARS OF AGE AND OLDER
PLEASE LEAVE IF OFFENDED EASILY
|THE CHILI TASTER
Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron
| If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge #3 at a chili cook-off.
The original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest and I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. I can't feel my lips anymore and I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
|One Smart Dog
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew, says the leopard, that was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog, sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
SOMETIMES IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM BRILLIANCE, THEN BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT!
FIRST BLOW JOB
A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender stunned by this order asks the man, what is the occasion. The man says, "I'm celebrating in a way." The bartender asks the man what he's celebrating. The man smiles and says, "Iím celbrating my first Blowjob." The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celbrating. Hell, I'll buy you another shot. It's on me! The man says, "No thanks. If 12 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
The Penis Study
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust Britt's or the French.
So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 (3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!
Question - What do turtles and blondes have in common?
Answer - Once there on their back they're screwed.
Question - How is a blonde different than a 747?
Answer - Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes standing in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a blonde clutching at thin air?
A: A woman collecting her thoughts.
Q: What's blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde?
A: A blonde cheerleader doing cartwheels.
Q: What do you call three blonds in a Volkswagon?
Q: Why don't blondes double their recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
A blond calls the fire department to tell them her house is on fire. They ask her, how do we get to your house?
Being a blond, she say's, "Dah"...in a big red truck.
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond, They're watch dogs!
Sign in the window of a home cookin' restaurant in Phoenix:
The best piece of chicken you'll ever get, without being a rooster!
The Fastest Thing on Earth
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked The second man. "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular clich for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants!" HE GOT THE JOB
Question - What do Disney World and VIAGRA have in common?
Answer - They both make you wait an hour for a five minute ride.
Question - What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
Answer - The position of the dirt bag.
A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. Boss, "Should I give him his money back?" "Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age. A distinguished scientist was making the announcement and giving the highlights of the list at a conference that was covered by the local NBC TV news affiliate. Broccoli and cauliflower were there on the list, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones. But, one woman reporter, reading ahead, stood up in the front row and asked, You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!
The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
MARRIAGE is a great institution. I'm just not ready for an institution.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.......WEDDING CAKE!
Walking into the bar Henry said, Pour me a stiff one Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman. Oh, yeah? said Eddie, And how did this one end? When it was over, she came to me on her hands and knees. Really! Now that's a switch. What did she say? She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chickenshit."
Have you heard about the new douche they've made for women?
It's made of Marijuana, Arrid Deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
"It leaves them high, dry, and finger licking good!"
PROBLEM: Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy? Titanic or the Clinton Video?
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist.
TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
TITANIC VIDEO: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary....basically the same thing
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. Until now we naively thought it had something to do with their religion.The true story has just been revealed by the Indian embassy in Washington DC. When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, her new husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel.
Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree." "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" "Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him bare-ass naked and leaves. Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark-ass naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?" He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says ......"Ya know, Sweetheart, this just ain't your day."
A man about to have sex with a really fat woman climbs up on top of her. After about one minute into the act, he asks if he can turn the ceiling light off? Why, she replies, are you feeling a bit shy? No he says, the light is burning my ass!"
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a United States Naval Ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October of 1995.
This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on October 10, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert Your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Life with men is like a deck of cards....You need a Heart to love them; a Diamond to marry them; a Club to beat them; and a Spade to bury the bastards.
Q: What do you call a gay milkman?
A: A dairy queen.
Definition of Bravery
A man coming home late, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on his collar, slapping his wife on the ass and saying, "You're next."
NEWS FLASH! - Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Auburn University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
A senior at Alabama was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Alabama because, in Alabama everything happens 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?" His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to found out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male"
LETTERS TO SANTA
I don't know if you can do this, but I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Let me get you some some nice Legos instead.
I really, really, want a puppy this year. PLEASE, PLEASE, could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap dosen't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
I Wud Like a kool Space Ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Nice Spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a couple of books so you can learn to read and write? Listen dumb-ass, I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least he can spell.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
White Plains N.Y. Police Report - Filed 7:25am Oct.25, 2001
Police arrested Tim Davidson , a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, N.Y, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't, he stated in a phone interview from the county courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains patrol car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure", say's Taylor. "I walked up on Davidson, and he's...just working away on this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight me straight in the face and said, "A PUMPKIN? Damn....Is it midnight already?" ~THIS HAS TO BE THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER~
A woman gets home from work, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery! The husband says, Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff?....mountain stuff? What? She says, It doesn't matter, Just get the hell out.
Q: Why do men break wind more often than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
One More Time
One day three gay guys are heart broken, finding out that they were dating the same guy, who has just died. Their friend was being cremated, so they all go to the funeral and split up the ashes between them. They are all trying to figure out what they are going to do with them. The first gay guy says, "I'm going to take mine to the mountains because that's where we had all our good times." The second gay guy says, "I'm going to take mine to the ocean because we used to do some really freaky things there." Then the first two gay guys ask the third gay guy where he's going to take his ashes. The third gay guy says, "I'm going to take mine home and mix it with some chili." They looked at each other then said, Why? He said, "So he can tear my ass up one more time."
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died, replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth; then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!"
That's One Deep Hole
Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound. He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed. About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat. The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."
Sex in Florida: A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.00 The Hilton charges $139.00 We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
After getting all of Pope Benedict XVI's luggage loaded into the Limo the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me your Eminence, says the driver, would you please take your seat so we can leave? "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, I'd really like to drive today. "I'm sorry but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job!" protests the driver. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. Oh Dear God, I'm going lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on his radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor ?" Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor ?" Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief "Who is it ?"
Cop: "I think it's God !" Chief: "What makes you think it's God ?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
Q: What do you get when you mix prune juice with holy water?
A: A religious movement!
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said, "Depends on what's in it for me"
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said "Two Prostitutes..$50.00 Dollars". A policeman seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time another car passed with a sign on top saying, "Jesus Saves". One of the girls asked the cop, why don't you stop them? Well, that's a little different, the cop said. Their sign pertains to religion! So the two ladies removed their sign and drove off. The following night the same cop notices the two prostitutes in their car again with the sign on top. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them, when he notices the sign which now read, "Two Angels Seeking Peter...$50.00 Dollars"
Noah in America
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.
"I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!
"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water- poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as hazardous to the environment.
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits.
"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government has beat me to it."
Q: Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
A: She was found face down in Ricki Lake
Q: How can you tell your in a tough lesbian bar?
A: Even the pool table doesn't have balls
Q: What's the definition of total confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
I'M NOT SAYING SHE'S EASY BUT
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
She's spent more time under men than barstools.
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
Her body has been declared a national recreational area.
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single, so just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality. "Damit Howard, you're a Veterinarian...."
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in a car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where Saint Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentleman," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, Saint Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell." With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can think of." With a snap of his finger, another stack of papers appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell." With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair." The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes through the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" After sniffing each hole carefully and inspecting the seat, the Devil said, "The third hole from the right." "WRONG," said the idiot, "it's from my Butt Hole." And the idiot went to Heaven.
Did you ever notice: If you put the 2 words "THE" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS!"
Two robbins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate, and ate, and ate, until they couldn't eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun for a little while," said the second. OK, said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than had they fallen asleep, and a big tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat there washing his face after his meal, he said, "I just love Baskin' Robbins."
Q: What does a rattlesnake and a limp dick have in common?
A: You don't fuck with either one.
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he finds a bottle laying right ahead of him. He opens it, and out pops a genie. But....this is no ordinary genie, he is wearing an IRS ID badge, and a dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well kid," says the genie. You know how it all works. "You have 3 wishes." I'm not falling for this, says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent. "Well what have you got to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyways. "The man thinks for a minute, and agrees that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink." **POOF** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK kid, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." **POOF** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "Ok kid, you have just one more wish left. Better make it a good one!" Thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." **POOF** The man is instantly turned into a tampon.
The moral of this story? If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed David, "Can you name you wife's favorite flower?" David proudly looked at his wife, and said, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"
I'M SO BROKE
We were so broke, that at Christmas, all we could exchange were glances.
I'm so broke, I'd have to fart in my wallet to have a scent.
If our father didn't cut holes in our pockets at Christmas, we wouldn't have had anything to play with.
I'm so broke, I can't pay attention.
I'm so broke, I go to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.
Two blondes rent a boat to go fishing. After catching more fish than they have ever caught before, one blonde says, "How can we ever find this place again?" The other blonde pulls out a felt-tipped marker and draws a big X on the bottom of the boat. The other blond says, "That was stupid! What if we don't get the same boat?"
A blonde that was driving from New York to Florida kept seeing signs that read Clean Restrooms. By the time she got to Georgia, she had already cleaned 132.
Blonde: Do you have any shampoo?
Boyfriend: Isn't there a bottle in the shower?
Blonde: Yeah, but it say's for dry hair and my hair is wet.
Two blondes are out for a scenic walk when they find three hand grenades.
After a short discussion the blondes decide to take them to the police, so off they go.
After a few minutes one of the blondes asks, what should we do if one the grenades goes off?
The other blonde say's, we'll just tell them we only found two.
This is a true story
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago residents did hear this on WBAM FM, a morning radio show in Chicago. The disc jockeys play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJ calls someone at work and asks if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with a phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game however, several months ago made the City of Chicago drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Here's how it all went down:
DJ: Hi, This is Edgar on WBAM radio. Have you ever heard of "Mate Match?"
Contestant: Yes, I have.
DJ: Great, Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win.
What is your first name? Just give us your first name only please.
DJ: Brian, are you married or what?
Brian: Yes, I am married.
DJ: Okay Brian, what is your wife's name? Just give us her first name only please.
DJ: Is Sarah at home Brian?
Brian: She's is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at home?
Brian: No, she's at work.
DJ: Okay, first question. When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Brian! Stay with me here!
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Question #2, How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow, you really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.
Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.
DJ: Okay, final question. Where did you have sex, at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: Laughing out loud, I, ummmm, well
DJ: This sounds good Brian, where was it at?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple weeks....
DJ: Uh Huh.....
Brian:....And the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian. But tell us where.
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up now.
DJ: Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we (we hear the phone ringing).
Clerk: Kinko's, may I help you?
DJ: Hi, is Sarah around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM radio. We are live on the air right now, and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of minutes now. He's on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. So, do you know the rules of "Mate Match?"
Sarah: Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: Laughing, just answer the questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.
DJ: Yeah sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sarah. And if your answers match Brian's, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, tickets to the Magic's game, the whole deal. Get it Sarah?
DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?
Sarah: Oh God, Brian uh, this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sarah: Around 8 this morning.
DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?
Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.
DJ: Hmmmm. That's close enough. I'm sure she's trying to protect his manhood.
We've got one last question, Sarah. You are only one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?
DJ: Where did you have it?
Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell him that, did you?
Brian: Just tell him, honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?
Sarah: Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and....
DJ: Come on Sarah, where did you have it?
Sarah: Up the ass!
DJ: After a long paus........Folks, we need to take a station break.
"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, and one arm in a cast. "I got into a tiff with Riley." Riley? He's just a wee fellow, the barkeep said. "He must have had something in his hand." "Aye...that he did," Kelly said. A shovel it was. Dear Lord, "didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?" "Aye, that I did" - Mrs. Riley's tit, Kelly said. And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.
The Secret Box
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more that 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. There were only two precious dolls in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years and loving him so much too. Bursting at the seams with happiness, he said "Honey, that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said "that's the money I made from selling all of the other dolls...."
The Country Doctor
A country doctor who made his rounds by horse and buggy begin to notice that it was taking him longer and longer to do so, because his horse was getting very old. When he arrived at a ranch where the family raised and sold horses, he got out and began looking at the different horses in the corral. When the rancher came out he said, hi doc, watcha' doing? The doctor explained about his horse being so old that it was just taking him too long to make his rounds now, and he needed to get a younger one. The rancher said sure, just pick out any one you want and I'll let you have him for $50.00. The doctor said, I've been watching that black stallion over there, give me that one. The rancher said, Doc, you don't want that horse, he only responds to religious commands and nothing else! The doctor said, well that's not so bad, is there anything wrong with the horse? The rancher said, no, I got him from a preacher that was traveling through, but let me pick out another horse for you. The doctor said, no, I'll take the black stallion, and handed the rancher $50.00. The rancher said okay, and hooked up the stallion to the doc's buggy and explained to him that, to get him to go, you have to say "Praise the Lord". And to get him to stop, you have to say "Amen". When the doctor was ready to leave the ranch, he said, "Giddie-up" and the horse just stood there. Then he remembered that he had to say "Praise the Lord". With that the horse took off at a gallop. Faster and faster he went. The horse was now heading straight toward a cliff and the doctor was getting very nervous and keep yelling "Whoa! Whoa!", but the horse wouldn't stop. Just before the horse was about to go over the cliff, the doctor figured he was going to meet his maker, so he bowed his head, said a quick prayer and finished with, "Amen". With that, the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The doctor got down off of the buggy to look at the jagged rocks far below him at the bottom of the cliff, then he climbed back into the buggy and was so relieved that his life had been spared he yelled, "Praise the Lord"!
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming,
"I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" It depends, I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. In one church, he spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.
Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Georgia. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this same golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God. But in the other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call, Why is that?
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the South now, it's a local call".
LIVING WILL -
While I was watching the TV one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never want to exist in a vegetative state, "dependent on some machine and taking liquids from a bottle." She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer. SOMETIMES IT'S TOUGH BEING MARRIED TO A SMARTASS!!!
Bob Hope once said he hadn't spoken to his wife in several months - "I didn't want to interrupt her"
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come - they're wet and wild. But when they go -
they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Q: What is the first sign of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in the ass.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.
Q: What does a mechanic and a lesbian have in common?
A: They both use snap-on tools.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $25.00
Baked Democrat $125.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why do you charge so much for the baked democrat?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
I'm so broke, I'd have to fart in my wallet to have a scent.
I'm so broke, I can't afford to pay attention.
At Christmas, we were so broke that all we could do was exchange glances.
If my father hadn't cut holes in my pockets, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
I'm so broke, I go to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.
I'm so broke, I have to go to Burger King to put a whopper and fries on lawaway.
If pickles were ten cents a truckload, I couldn't buy a wart off a cucumber.
|Thought for the day:
What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.